Written & illustrated by current foster youth, Deyanna

Everything starts to slowly pile over me. As I sit here trying to figure out what is going on, more and more piles over me. The more I think about my next step, the more I see what I have to do. Not only do I see what I have to do, but I see what is going wrong. Sometimes I wish that life could just be easy for me. I know no one has an easy life, but I do know people have an easier life than I do. My life is not the worst, but it’s not the best.

The darkness shades over me every day. I think of multiple questions that I don’t know the answer to. When will I have a family, what is it like to have a family, when will my next step be, when will I have a place to call home, or am I forever going to be moving program to program? One thing I learned is that nothing is forever. When I am 18 I can sign myself out and start my own family, but I don’t know how to. I want to be able to know what a family should be so that I can create one. I hate to admit I’m scared, but my life is scary.

I’ve seen things and experienced things I should not have had too. Being only 16 years old and going through more than a person who is 90 has is upsetting. My life has been very traumatic, and no one understands. I know that some people may understand, but it’s hard to find people who do. I see a lot of things in my future, but I’m not sure if I see a home, a family, or love. The questions I ask myself every day lead to other questions. Why am I not good enough, what am I doing wrong, am I doing anything right? I’m a straight-A student in honor classes, I’m a star athlete, and I always help and care for others. I’m wondering when it is my turn to have someone care for me. What will my life be made of?

It would mean a lot for me to have a family. A family to me is someone who loves you unconditionally, someone who accepts your flaws, someone who will take your problems and make it theirs. If i was in a family all i would do is help and put in all i have to offer. To me a family is all i want. All i ever wanted. I want someone to smile with and take pictures with. I want to be able to fit in somewhere.

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